I have a really close friend, I’ll call her Susan. We’ve been friends since 6th grade and went all the way through high school together and now we are freshmen in college together. She has been dating this guy, I’ll call him Joe, for 3 years and she says she’s going to marry him. The three of us hang out a lot. Here is my problem:
One night when we were all watching a movie at my house and Susan got a call from her mom, she had to go home. Joe told her he was going to finish watching the movie and then go home and he would text her later that night. As soon as Susan was out the door, Joe came over and sat next to me. He started flirting with me and surprisingly, I started getting those feelings in my stomach that you get. The next Saturday night, Joe showed up at my house late and said he had to talk to me. He told me he felt terrible for how he was feeling but he just couldn’t stop thinking about me and he was having feelings towards me. We ended up kissing and making out a little that night. I feel like a terrible friend. I love Susan but that was all over a month ago and Joe and I have not stopped seeing each other behind Susan’s back and we have gotten very close. I know it’s wrong and I know it will crush her because Joe got drunk and messed around with a girl when we were high school and it nearly killed Susan.
I don’t know what to do because I’ve fallen in love with Joe. He says he loves Susan but he is in love with me. He said he doesn’t want to hurt her and he knows I don’t want to so he thinks we should not tell her right now. I know I’m being a bad friend but I’m having feelings for Joe that I’ve never felt before. I also don’t want to hurt or lose my friend Susan.
What should I do? Do you think there’s anything I can say to Susan to make her understand? Her friendship is so important to me.
Dear In Love,
I know you are feeling pulled in two opposite directions. You care about your friend but you are experiencing these new intense feelings for this guy!
I really want to help you so I am going to be pretty straight forward with you. The one that Joe is most concerned about is Joe! He has already cheated on Susan once before that you know of.
The reason Joe does not want to tell Susan about the two of you is not so much because he’s worried about hurting her. It’s because he likes having both of you.
The reason you are feeling these strong feelings that you’ve never felt before is because forbidden love is always passionate but that passion does not last. If Joe and Susan break up and the two of you start dating, Joe will, at some point, look for that passion elsewhere because you will no longer be that “forbidden fruit.”
I’m sorry to be so blunt but it’s necessary because you still have a small chance and a limited amount of time to save the most important relationship involved which is your friendship with Susan.
I have no doubt that Joe is making you feel so special. He’s caught up in the passion just like you. He may even believe what he’s saying to you on some level but think about what he has said. He said that he still loves Susan but he’s in love with you. “In love” feels so much more passionate than just “love” but “in love” comes and goes.
I believe he does have strong feelings for Susan. He has been with her for three years and at their age, that’s a long time. And he doesn’t want her to know about you because he doesn’t want to lose her.
That’s the part that concerns me most about Joe. This girl that he claims he loves, he is willing to lie to and cheat on with one of her best friends. That is someone that you do not want to be with.
If you will do what I’m about to tell you, I promise you that you will be happier in the long run. Work on saving your friendship with Susan. Go to her and confess what you have done and tell her how sorry you are and that her friendship is more important to you than Joe is. Tell her how much you don’t want to lose her as a friend.
And do NOT talk to Joe about it first. He will get to her before you do and blame you for what has happened. I’ve seen it play out too many times before. He will tell her that you came on to him and he just got caught up in the moment. He will say that he has ended it with you because he doesn’t want to lose her.
I do hope and pray that Susan will forgive you. If she doesn’t at first then back off and give her some time. The fact that you came to her and were honest will mean a lot to her and over time, she just might forgive you even if she doesn’t at first.
However, whatever the outcome is, learn from this and in the future, consider boyfriends and husbands of anyone else off limits. Being the other woman never leads to a happy ending!
Also, I want you to think about this. You are at a pivotal time in your life. You are going from being a teenager to being an adult. You have to really think about your actions and your decisions.
I believe you have a good heart because you said more than once how you were aware you were not being a good friend. You have to decide right now, do you want to be the kind of person that will fool around with another woman’s boyfriend or even worse, your best friend’s boyfriend. I just don’t believe that’s the kind of person that you want to become!
Please feel free to leave any questions or comments you have at the bottom of this page. Thank you!
Yours In Christ,
Shiloh Mandi Griffin, M.Ed.
Founder of PrayingProphet.net